This 4 Letter F- Word Could Be Affecting Your Life
I know the F- word you may be thinking because it is my favorite sentence enhancer, but the F- word I am talking about is Fawn.
Trauma comes in many forms, but one of the things every traumatic experience has in common is our body’s ability to run defense. The human brain is continuously forming connections between experience and chemical process within the body. With traumatic experiences, our brain responds in a few different ways: Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn.
To Fight
As an adult, when I think of the fight mechanism, I imagine having to wrestle a bear in the woods – which is a terrible idea. Most of the experiences that enact the fight mechanism occur during childhood. Fight is the first instinct the brain considers and explains why children’s first instinct is to confront their parents in the form of “back talk”.
Most people have been told as children to “not talk back” but this is the early stage of stifling the human response to “fight.” Overtime, this child will learn to skip over the fight stage because it has often led to more conflict. As an adult, you should be able to assess that wrestling a bear is not a great plan; you also need to be able to reasonably “fight” by asserting yourself. People who have experienced this will often believe that this assertion is to no avail and become adults who are “people pleasers.” On its own, that is a perfectly safe coping mechanism, but it does have potential mental health ramifications.
To Flee
The next trauma response a brain comes to is Flight- to run away from the bear, rather than fight it. Children who have been taught not to stand up for themselves begin to feel the urge to run away instead. Running away can seem like a way to reach safety. For the child, it often escalates the conflict.
If fleeing from the trauma does become a functional pathway, this child may grow up to find themselves running away from confrontation or conflict. When flight is not an option for the child, they skip to the next trauma response – Freeze.
To Freeze
In our bear example, freezing is the best plan as taught by most nature guides. When you are a child who has learned that fight and flight are not options, freezing is the next response mechanism your brain will try. This response plays out in the child who dissociates from the trauma completely.
If the child finds that freezing works for them, later in life this person will likely exude qualities of being lost or avoidant. Far too often, a person who uses this mechanism will turn to substance abuse as a type of cathartic release.
To Fawn
A child who learns to bypass the first three trauma responses will land on Fawn. Fawning can be defined by qualities like seeking approval or using overt flattery. In the bear example, fawning wouldn’t serve much purpose because flattery is uniquely human. At this point, the child may find things that bring their abusers joy and use that as an advantage. It works like a bartering system- the child provides something and in return the conflict ends.
What Does This Mean For Adults?
People who experienced childhood trauma may have a variety of behaviors that stem from which trauma response they found most useful. For those of us who landed in the Fawning category, these behaviors may be common:
People Pleasing
Inability to Say “No”
Caretaking
Lowered Self-Esteem or Worth
Desire to Fit In
Lack of Boundaries
Uncomfortable Giving Your Opinion
Seeks to Distract From Conflict or Avoidance
On their own, some of these behaviors are not life-altering or detrimental. Together, they could deteriorate a person's mental state. Humans have to be able to use all four of these responses effectively. Sometimes standing up for yourself at work is a necessary “fight” response. At times you may need to use flight to remove yourself from an escalating situation. If you encounter a bear while hiking, you need to know that freezing is the best option!
Fawning is a trauma response that has often served a purpose in my life and the lives of many others. It is many people's last stitch effort to remain safe. No response is superior to the others, but we all have to learn when and how to use them most effectively.
For anyone who can see that they have fallen into fawning as their only mechanism, trauma based therapy may be a good place to start your healing journey. It is important to be able to ground yourself and set healthy boundaries which people who fawn struggle to do.
Everyone deserves to feel safe in their own mind!
